With the rumoured 16 per cent drop in bonus payments, pandemonium is reigning. Already I've heard a colleague telling her house husband that the Sunseeker Predator 108 yacht she'd promised him, at £4.2 million, may have to be forfeited. He's now screening her calls in favour of family days out with the nanny.
To make matters worse, the directors are insulting those of us expecting a reduced bonus by squandering company cash on some fantastically useless, not to mention impractical, things.
First up, they've swathed the office floor in a new deep-pile cream carpet (though, on a positive note, I can cancel my gym membership, such is the effort required to get my heels out of the goddamn thing).
To cap it all, there seems to be a move to force us to wear indoor shoes – just like being back in school. Wasting no time (but a deal of money, apparently), the office manager purchased a ridiculous black lacquered Japanese shoe rack that now sits empty in the foyer, collecting takeaway menus and umbrellas. Is this what my planned £6,000 Birkin Blue Jean handbag is being forfeited for?
With all the uncertainty, I've decided to start my PR campaign a little early this year. Already this week I've treated my boss to lunch at Shed.
It could be worse, I suppose. One female colleague was this week bitching about how unfair and sexist the whole bonus system is. She recalled the day when one of the directors, having delivered an exceptional return for a Middle Eastern client, had been asked what he'd like as a gift of thanks.
"That lucky bastard only asked for a set of golf clubs. But guess what he got?" she ranted, seething with jealousy. "The client thought he meant whole clubs and went and bought him six golf and spa resorts. And he put them through an offshore company, so he didn't even have to declare them as a corporate gift. But there's some consolation: only two of them have swimming pools."
So it seems that some people have all the luck. I just hope my boss remembers this additional fawning when it comes to my bonus figure, because I'll be damned if I'm going to cancel the Maldives holiday booked for me and 20 friends next year.
Especially as we've got the whole resort for our exclusive use, and we're maximising on the shopping opportunities by city-hopping the way there in a friend's jet, a share of which he's hoping to purchase... at bonus time.
Friday 2nd November, 2007 posted by City Girl
The London Paper