There's a Mark Twain quote, “The lack of money is the root of all evils.” So with this in mind, myself and a small group of colleagues have decided to take measures into our own hands. You see, it's that time of year again – the feedback fiasco. We are all being asked to give feedback about each other on the “360-degree” forms. Only with this year's climate of uncertainty, the stakes are higher.
I've already been told to apply “sensible economic constraints” when deciding on my team's bonus amounts. It's just a shame they don't know that, as the sudden rise in invitations to alcopop dumps like All Bar One and Tiger Tiger is starting to grate.
To ensure that we aren't the beggars at the feast come the end of January, me and my management colleagues have decided to replace the “constructive” part of the feedback exercise. Instead, we will be adhering to that old City mantra – “Discredit thy colleague, and thou wilt shine”.
As the bonus-deciding managers get to read all of the feedback, it's the perfect way to make sure that our other colleagues are seen as a bunch of work-shy layabouts with too many domestic commitments, while we spout forth about each other's perfection.
This might just make us look like the ones worth keeping – and the ones who deserve the cash.
Therefore, I didn't hesitate in being brutally honest with my feedback this time around, and the fact that it's anonymous just makes it so much easier stick the knife in.
It's not my fault if a colleague has a secret cocaine addiction that forces him to take impromptu time off – always on the days that his part-time boss doesn't work.
And what about the freeloaders who like to palm work off to others? Why should they take an equal share of the pie when they've contributed only crumbs? Not to mention the ones who always happen to be sick during the school holidays expecting the rest of us to pick up their slack.
So, you see, there are numerous shirkers, and a solution to the problem of who gets the bonus money has emerged.
To all those bonus-deciding managers out there: give the money to those with excellent feedback on their 360 forms because, of course, they're the most deserving.
And if you believe that, then you'll obviously believe anything. In fact, you probably work in retail banking, where the “big bonus” is a myth enjoyed only by the executive directors.